Yesterday was a real challenge. I was feeling hardened, cold, stuck, rigid and shut down. Deeply engrained coping strategies that were once useful for survival that are now hugely restrictive. But the world keeps turning so we (Hope In High Water) had a show to play in Hastings. So I had to go out into the desert of my soul on stage.
‘All things are illuminated in the desert. The light scours all. There is nowhere to hide. In the desert we get clear on what really matters to us.’ ~ Mary Reynolds Thompson
Having your darkest moments hit you whilst totally exposed is incredibly painful and incredible healing. Healing because there is nowhere to turn and it is here that I discover over and over again that this too will pass.
Like a kind of enforced meditation I got to watch the unfolding of thoughts, the hatching of escape plans (throw up? faint? run?), the fluctuations of emotions and sensations and finally the release. Tears rolling down my face on stage for all to see. Totally exposed, totally vulnerable. Everything my protection method was trying in vain to avoid.
As an addict learning how not to run is essential work that I struggle to do without being kindly held down kicking and screaming. Thankful every day for these experiences and being forced out of my comfort zone into the good stuff beyond the habitual behavioural patterns.
All is unfolding as it should.