So those of you who know me will know that one of the big things I've had to work through is a fear of intimacy in intimate relationships. I'm MUCH better than I used to be but it still has me running. Eye contact during sex, crying in front of him, making plans to spend lots of time together. These things scare THE SHIT out of me. I do them these days because intimacy and vulnerability are important to me but it’s not always easy.
And don't get me wrong I LOVE having intense chats (or opening the intensity suitcase as my therapist likes to call it) with Josh, he's my favourite human in the world and the sex is great (the quality, the quantity we differ on) but I also like lots of time alone, a lot of space and eyes closed doggy style.
It had never been a problem before because the people I'd been with were equally as distant and avoidant in their attachments so we just two-ships-in the-nighted it and no one even noticed. I didn't even know this was a thing until I met someone who wanted to gaze longingly into my eyes, spend all their time with me and spend hours in bed and over dinner. Every time these things were on the table I would run and if I couldn't I would cry or get angry. It's not personal. It runs deep.
So heading into isolation I was shitting it (not consciously of course, it's not a conscious thing) but I was doing everything I could to escape the inevitable. And then something shifted.
One morning I looked into his eyes and I said: I think I love you more than ever before
And he said: why's that then?
And I said: because I'm scared of intimacy and this has forced me to spend all my time with you and it turns out I really like you.
And he said: You old romantic you
Another unexpected side effect of isolation.