Healing can be found in the strangest of places...
I've been listening, by recommendation, to the Aubrey Marcus podcast, something I would never have happened upon or chosen myself but I am so damn glad I did.
It has been a constant source of information and inspiration ever since and most importantly it is hosted by a man, a man who at first glance I would perhaps have judged and almost certainly wouldn't have felt drawn to but such is the beauty of podcasts. You get to create your own image of the person, unless you've already seen them!
The importance of it being hosted by a man is that it made me realise that I must be rebuilding my trust in men to be listening to them as a source of guidance. For many years I (and I've since learned many other women too) have not even felt able to take guided meditations by men for lack of trust and safety, which is so very sad for there are so many wonderful men out there.
One particular episode broke me open unexpectedly. Aubrey was speaking with Christine Hassler and at the beginning of the podcast shared a poem.
It is without doubt one of the most powerful poems I have ever heard so I wanted to share it here before sharing his response and how it profoundly impacted me below...
A Wild Woman is not a Girlfriend she is a Relationship with Nature
But can you love me in the deep? In the dark? In the thick of it?
Can you love me when I drink from the wrong bottle and slip through the crack in the floorboard?
Can you love me when I’m bigger than you, when my presence blazes like the sun does, when it hurts to look directly at me?
Can you love me then too?
Can you love me under the starry sky, shaved and smooth, my skin like liquid moonlight?
Can you love me when I am howling and furry, standing on my haunches, my lower lip stained with the blood of my last kill?
When I call down the lightning, when the sidewalks are singed by the soles of my feet, can you still love me then?
What happens when I freeze the land, and cause the dirt to harden over all the pomegranate seeds we’ve planted?
Will you trust that Spring will return?
Will you still believe me when I tell you I will become a raging river, and spill myself upon your dreams and call them to the surface of your life?
Can you trust me, even though you cannot tame me?
Can you love me, even though I am all that you fear and admire?
Will you fear my shifting shape?
Does it frighten you, when my eyes flash like your camera does?
Do you fear they will capture your soul?
Are you afraid to step into me?
The meat-eating plants and flowers armed with poisonous darts are not in my jungle to stop you from coming. Not you.
So do not worry. They belong to me, and I have invited you here.
Stay to the path revealed in the moonlight and arrive safely to the hut of Baba Yaga: the wild old wise one… she will not lead you astray if you are pure of heart.
You cannot be with the wild one if you fear the rumbling of the ground, the roar of a cascading river, the startling clap of thunder in the sky.
If you want to be safe, go back to your tiny room — the night sky is not for you.
If you want to be torn apart, come in. Be broken open and devoured. Be set ablaze in my fire.
I will not leave you as you have come: well dressed, in finely-threaded sweaters that keep out the cold.
I will leave you naked and biting. Leave you clawing at the sheets. Leave you surrounded by owls and hawks and flowers that only bloom when no one is watching.
So, come to me, and be healed in the unbearable lightness and darkness of all that you are.
There is nothing in you that can scare me. Nothing in you I will not use to make you great.
A wild woman is not a girlfriend. She is a relationship with nature. She is the source of all your primal desires, and she is the wild whipping wind that uproots the poisonous corn stalks on your neatly tilled farm.
She will plant pear trees in the wake of your disaster.
She will see to it that you shall rise again.
She is the lover who restores you to your own wild nature.
~ Alison Nappi
And then something profound, powerful and deeply healing took place. He was speaking about the response that he had written and asked if he could read it, which he did...
A Wild Man is not a Boyfriend he is a Force
You can read the whole of his response poem here...
But I wanted to share with you the part that broke me and why I think this is such an important and powerful message for a man to speak.
'Are you afraid to let me inside you? Not just my flesh, but my soul. The wild man is neither burglar or vandal. I will not take anything from you. I will not trample on sprouting seeds or pick flowers as a trophy... Even if I have the power to destroy worlds, I will not destroy you.'
I had such a deep, visceral response to these words that I cried the kind of tears I only cry when they are releasing deeply held traumas. It felt like a mixture of deep relief, incredibly release and grief.
These words evoked a deep feeling of being seen, heard and understood by a man. Feelings of long overdue and unfamiliar trust. Feelings of relief at hearing a man express understanding for how deeply affected women can be by the abuses of trust and power that so many of us have experienced and how this can have devastating impacts on our capacity to be intimate with a man should we choose to.
With these simple but beautiful words he captured the raw and captivating power of a man in balance, in touch with his wild nature. And not the kind of wild that has been proliferated for too long, the kind of wild that mindlessly fights and fucks, the kind of wild that does men a great disservice but instead the kind of wild that is a protector of women and tribe.
The patriarchy has not just impacted women, it has impacted men and to see men breaking free and choosing to stand by our side in solidarity and support fills me with incredibly hope and faith for the future of our kind.
I don't want to live in fear of men, I want to live in harmony men that understand and want women to be safe, seen and heard.
Thank you to Aubrey Marcus for these powerful words and to my team mate, best friend, lover and partner in this life Josh Chandler-Morris for being a shining example of a man, letting me be wild and free and walking beside me unrelentingly on this healing journey every step of the way.