'I'm going in... blowjobs and all'

January 30, 2019

I went to bed feeling disheartened. Thanks to years of work, therapy, dear friends and perfectly timed books I now have the knowledge of how I can end up in emotional shut down and how to break free but there are still days where it just feels so much easier to sit in the sedatory sensations of numbness. It takes so much emotional strength to choose a different path and sometimes I just feel too tired and done to try. It feels simpler and safer to reside in the empty familiarity of nothingness than to try to break free from this outdated but comforting safety mechanism.

 

When I find myself here I can see how it would be to behave a different way. I can imagine living freely, fully and fearlessly, I can picture a way of being where vulnerability is beautiful and not terrifying and I can visualise the route I need to take to get there but the gap between that me and this me feels like an uncharted ocean.

 

It is in these moments where I have a choice but far more often than not it doesn’t feel that way at all. It feels as far a way from choice as I know. I feel hopeless, defeated and disheartened. It feels futile to continue to work so hard for seemingly so little and it is here that I can so easily give up, give in and sink into a melancholic reverie.

 

But on Monday morning I was reminded of the power of intention and of being inspired by something outside of myself. After a deep 12-hour sleep I woke to a bright shining last quarter moon in the sky, so crisp and clear and bright and I felt renewed. As I meditated, practiced yoga and watched the birds through the window the sun rose and with it my spirits. In that moment I felt called to consult my lunar phases notebook and immediately knew what I had to do; I read this:

 

‘Tension at this time can arise as a result of the hard angle between the egotistical sun and the emotional moon, any conflict that arises here is worth examining, a change of course may be called for. You are at a cross roads, what do you want to take forward and what do you want to leave behind'

 

 And then I looked to the morning moon and said to myself, f*** this, I can do this, I am free. And with that I stepped into uncharted waters. The night before I had spoken of not being enough, of never being able to live freely, of this being my reality and so be it, of intimacy being too hard and too much. But somehow here I was, letting the power of intention shed too tight old skins and reveal within me all that I know I can be. And I felt every single little bit of joy and pleasure and pain and ecstasy and cried my eyes out with tears of deep relief. Relief at finally feeling again. And I will have to do all of this again but each time the waters of this wide-open ocean become slightly more familiar.

 

After sharing this tale with my therapist she re-lived the moment I decided to change course and jokingly threw her hands in the air saying: ‘I’m going in blowjobs and all’. I bloody love her and not just because she is hilarious and spot on but because she has provided me with my new fearlessness mantra.

 

Carly x 

‘Tracin' an old pattern
Drawing the lines from where I am and from where I wanna be
Forget that old adage
That history continues to keep us from the world we wanna see

I am scared that I won't get it right
But fear won't rule my heart tonight

I can change
I can change
I can still change
I can still change’

~ Lake Street Dive, I Can Change

 

Photo: Josh Chandler Morris 

 

 

 

 

 

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